Over the years y body has changed a lot. I went from a size 16 to a size 8, then back up to size 12. Much like my weight my mental health has been on a roller-coaster ride too.
I lost all the weight originally because I hated my body. I hated how I felt so much bigger than everyone I knew. I hated every single lump and bump that I squeezed into my clothes. But once I reached that teeny tiny size, I still hated my body. I had in my head that I was still fat. That even at such an unhealthy weight I was still not good enough. I made myself so ill. At 5″7, 9st was not a healthy look on me. I was constantly being told I looked skinny and tired but I just couldn’t see it. I was blinded by what I saw in the mirror. This distorted image that I saw of myself.
In my head I was healthy. I ate salad. I did cardio. I went to the gym and I only drank water. But my ribs stuck out, I needed a nap by the time I got home at 4pm. I was constantly cranky and never wanted to do anything.
Then I got ill. Like sent to hospital ill. My bowel had become my worst enemy and had put me out of action for too long. My diet changed after that and I started eating more food and exercising less. This teamed with the increased amount of alcohol I was now drinking the weight slowly pilled back on. Since then it has fluctuated slightly but generally stayed around the same.
Don’t get me wrong I don’t love how I look. I would feel more comfortable if I lost a few pounds. But the appreciation I have for my body now is so much better. I don’t look at my body and feel disgusted. I see a body that is strong. That has supported me through everything. I see a body that can lift weights not even imaginable four years ago. Granted I still can’t run and I am definitely never going to be a powerlifter. But I am proud of my body.
I am honestly never sure how my mindset changed. I want to say that I did a thousand things that made me more confident. I think it was honestly removing myself from a negative space. I am surrounded by people now who support me and make me feel loved. I genuinely think that is the thing that has made me most comfortable in my skin.