How self love made me hate myself

About a year ago now I made a promise to learn to love myself. That meant ditching the weighing scales, moving away from my obsessive ways when it came to my health and learning to have fun with my life. I was eating how I wanted and doing whatever I wanted in the gym. I thought what I was doing was great and honestly I believed I was happier. 

What I didn’t notice was all the weight piling on. The weight I’d worked so hard to lose. It wasn’t that I was eating like utter shit all of a sudden, it’s just there had become way more treat yourself days. Gym wise I wasn’t pushing myself as hard because I wasn’t aiming for a goal or achievement. I was just working out because I enjoyed it. Yeah this was great and on the outside it must seem like I’d found balance with it all but really I was just losing myself all over again. I lost my motivation and my drive to succeed without this dedication I was just going through the motions. My workouts got shorter but didn’t increase in intensity and slowly the amount of junk food in my diet crept up. This was certainly not a good combination. 

Ten months like this and I found myself reaching a weight that I hadn’t in years, with a body fat percentage that I would never had guessed belonged to me. Honestly I was disgusted in how much I had let myself go. I don’t thin k I had ever hated myself more. I was that caught up in loving myself that I just wasn’t looking properly in the mirror and I was becoming unhealthy again. I took measurements and compared them to the ones I had taken the year before and I had put on nearly 4 inches on my waist alone. This fact hurt. It hurt a lot and it was safe to say that week was incredibly hard for me. How did I possibly hate myself more when I was following a life of self love?

I thought that loving myself and not being so hard on myself would make me a happier more well rounded person. In reality it was the complete opposite and I was more unhappy with my body and behaviour than ever before. I keep looking back at old pictures and seeing how slim I was and just have to question how on earth I thought I was fat back then. I would honestly love to be back at that point again. Getting to that point originally took a hell of a lot of work and I know it’s going to take that again. I’m slowly building up my gym and diet routines again. It’s hard but I know in the end this is what I want and it will all be worth it.

I don’t want this post to seem like I am completely unhappy in every aspect of my life. I’m not. In general I’m much happier with my life, I’m less stressed and have better relations than I ever thought I would have. I don’t however feel that it is due to self love, more that I just grew as a person and learnt to handle these things better. I have never been someone who says when  I get to this weight I will be happy, I know that a number shouldn’t define your happiness.  In some part of my mind it might always define me but  choose whether or not it bothers me. I know weight fluctuates and muscle will effect my weight so I’m making a move to try and focus more on my measurements and watching them change instead. My current goal is to rediscover my confidence, I want to be able to rock my bikini this summer no matter whether I have a six pack (in my dreams) or belly rolls.

I haven’t given up on the idea of self love. It took me hitting rock bottom to realise that my idea wasn’t true self love. It was the social media version of self love, the cake and ice cream, the listening to my body and not working out. This honestly isn’t my idea of self love anymore. My idea of self love is working hard for what I want. I know when I need rest and I know how to give myself that. Junk food is amazing but honestly all the treats make me feel lethargic and just downright crappy. So why would I keep putting myself through my old idea of self love when my actual definition is the polar opposite? I wanted so much to be as happy as those on social media that I followed their ideas of self love. Here’s the big thing though, it’s THEIR IDEA OF SELF LOVE. It’s THEIR way of loving THEIR body. Shockingly my body isn’t their body so why would I treat it the same.

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